highly allergic to splendor

pretty sure there is a magic bullet.

gentle reader,

in honor of your faithfulness i have decided to continue sharing with you my journey on life’s highway of physical fitness pursuit. this may or may not also be motivated by discovering i had taken a nap on top of a cookie. also, bathing suit.

at last week’s school auction, i walked away with not one, but two “free month” memberships to workout places in town. this is the story of workout place #1. part A. in a series.

1. you are probably asking yourself, ‘how did she decide which place to choose first?’ i had heard from a friend that place #1 offered a fitness evaluation/intake type thing. huzzah! tell me my flaws, calibrated and calipated (that is not a word but there should be a verb for what those fat pinching calipers do). ALAS, this choice was all for naught. i just signed my name and got taken on a tour.

2. The Tour. just past the smoothie bar and lemon leggings is the locker room. Dede (who wore a badge with the phrase ‘there’s no magic bullet’) happily explained how to use a locker, while i happily focused on not staring at Elderly Woman’s Butt in a Locker Room #4,065.

LADIES! what is the deal? i will never be old enough to be naked in a locker room. ever. i want to google ‘history of locker rooms’ right now, but i fear it will just be a series of flabby white rump photos. NOTE TO SELF: i will not be using the locker rooms.

as we exited, Dede made sure to point out that NO TEXTING OR TALKING ON CELL PHONES was allowed in the locker room. oh. okay. ‘how about taking photos of naked lady butts with my phone? is that allowed, Dede?’

3. my goals (besides never seeing another woman’s backside): maximize the heck out of this thing. i will be at the rooftop infinity puddle from 9am-2pm every day catchin’ some rays. i will also be taking every class called, ‘Stretch.’ i am also open to taking whichever class gets the most votes here: ‘Baby Boot Camp’ with someone else’s baby; something called, ‘R.I.P.P.E.D.’ or R.I.P. for short i think; or ‘Pedal & Kettle’ which i’m pretty sure is riding your bikes together to the popcorn store. vote early and often.

good luck out there. hydrate and stretch. hydrate and stretch. and, sorry, Dede. there is a magic bullet. it’s called underwear.


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4 thoughts on “pretty sure there is a magic bullet.

  1. Deb Prum on said:

    Zumba. It will change your life. Not necessarily in a good way. Want to meet me?

  2. Naked old ladies wandering around the locker room is exactly why I don’t use the locker room. I’ve seen them using the showers without pulling the curtain closed (?), had them pull the curtain back on me while I’ve been in the shower just to see if someone was actually using it and have since decided if I want company while showering, I can stay home and get that for free.

  3. Elaine Cecelski-Ayala on said:

    I probably would have left once I saw the staff wearing a button saying “there is no magic bullet.” I mean , I thought what gyms are really selling is HOPE. I do not want to work out in a place that is as cynical as I am. Waiting anxiously for more reports from the fitness front.

  4. Good writing. You should get back on it. 😊

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