8teen

I’ve reached peak spiral. Downward. DUH, you are saying aloud to your pets and/or cable tv family. EIGHTEEN weeks y’all. 18. I thought I had it conquered. I thought I had it managed. But all my coping skills have been exhausted, old and new.

Old:
Have a job in a school.
Indoor group exercise classes.
Library books.
Going to the movie theater.
Bachelorette watch parties.
Cheese plates with real life groups of people.

BUT, okay. I can PIVOT.

New:
Take an online class.
Do online exercise videos.
Buy books to support local bookstore.
Binge Roku, Hulu, Prime, HBOGO, Netflix, et al.
Garden! Pool!
Even, EVEN, have people over to eat their own BYOcheese on our porch. 

ALAS.
I have reached the end of these coping skills. Mainly because it is 101 degrees outside and mainly because I AM DONE WITH IT.

I know. In less than a month, we will be back in some sort of job/school/busy combo. Will that help? At least distract me? Give me something specific to scream about in to the void?

Lest ye mandatory reporters begin to worry, I’m good. Maybe blogging will be my new/old/now coping mechanism. Feel free to send other suggestions for making it through the next 3-18 weeks.

Seven Ate Nine

Things I Done Do During Weeks 7&8 of Coronation Vacation:

4 Kroger pickups.

Said goodbye to too many people who are moving.

Picked up local seedlings; braved a very crowded parking lot pickup at Home Depot on a Saturday; and built a raised bed and planted the plants.

Covered the plants with trash bags bc of polar vortex in May.

Ignored all murder hornet news except the part about praying mantises eating them.

Watched my daughter get Quarantimes prom photos made on not-happening prom weekend.

Ate a Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich.

Managed to hold exam week online.

Baked a chocolate-chocolate chip Bundt cake.

Socially distanced a little less distant.

Found out long-distance about first friend with a more than mild case of Covid-19.

Renewed my vows with my mask and hand sanitizer pump.

I Ain’t Missing You

A few days ago I wrote about what I was missing because of Corona 2020. Last night at 1:30am, I woke up to the front porch light still being on. This was a regular occurrence a few months ago when a certain child of mine would forget to turn it off if she came home after we had gone to bed. “Ah!” I thought, in my groggy half-asleep state. “What if I made a list of things I am NOT missing?” And so now I present to you, GENTLE READER, Things I Am Not Missing At All:

1. Worrying where my children are every night.
2. Fighting about when curfew is. “Nothing good happens after 8pm.”
3. Fighting about whether someone will be allowed to go on an unchaperoned graduation beach trip.
4. Eating fast food 3-4 nights a week because of track meets, school events, etc. (At least now it’s considered family meals curbside supporting the local economy!).
5. Deciding what to wear to Parents Taking Photos of Prom People SINCE I DO NOT OWN WHITE JEANS.
6. That even more awkward special occasion but spring is still cold/I am still pasty white/cute floral sundress with black leggings and baggy cardigan level of fashion.
7. Jewelry, makeup, and my blow dryer.

And there you have it. The perks of being completely limited in all types of normal activities. May your sweatpants stretch as long and as far as you need them to! XOXO

Actually May Might Be the Cruellest Month

My entire May calendar is cancellations.

I have one of those old-fashioned, paper, week-at-a-glance calendars. Anyone still related to the school system knows that the month of May is usually chock full of nuts. But now my Sundays are spent flipping the page, not to see what’s next, but to see what we will be crossing off. So far: Senior Awards Day, Musical Theatre Coffeehouse, Last Chance Track Meet, Prom (photos, dinner, dance), Austin and Meredith’s wedding, and a flight to Michigan. Coming up (or not) in the next few weeks: a show at the UT Theatre, track sectionals, Baccalaureate, 24th wedding anniversary celebration, high school graduation, graduation lock-in, and any kind of Mother’s Day that requires advanced preparation. (Best of luck to me and our moms. In all fairness, I did order myself new Birks and a Marimekko tent-shaped dress from Uniqlo so that’s something.)

I don’t want to cancel anything else. Like the pool, swim team, volleyball tryouts, camp, college orientation, summer. But I hold all of those loosely, hoping we still get something in exchange for the coming mosquito plague. (I mean screw the murder hornets; we already have enough upcoming pestilence!) It is hard to live a forward-facing life when there is nothing to look forward to.

This sounds more depressing than I am. I can rally for another walk, another drive-by something, more takeout, more Netflix. I just need to put those things on the calendar.

I’m too six-y for my hat

Things I Did During Week 6 of Pretend Normal:

Wrote nine “appointments” on my calendar.

Meal planned into eternity.

Started “Schitts Creek” and “McMillion$” (which, by the way, either should be your easy go-to post-Tiger King).

Finished a fiction book.

Got takeout queso.

Ate a lot of grilled pimiento cheese sandwiches.

Made a haircut appointment for the near future.

Went to a live going-away party, zoom bday party, zoom high school reunion, and zoom college parent webinar.

Had second child declare college plans.

Found a brand new hand sanitizer bottle AND a full container of Lysol wipes AND twelve dirty glasses in the teen wing of the house

Ordered my mom a “Dolly for President” T-shirt.

V

Things I Did During Week 5 of Covid-2019-2020

Restarted the 5-7 stages of grief.

Finished 502-page Churchill book.

Started 1 craft.

Got asked if I’ve been able to work out (this is the opposite of being asked have you been working out).

Worked out every day.

Figured out that my crappy urban grocery store has perfect curbside service.

Wore my mask to Target.

Wore my hair in pigtails.

Went to a track-and-field senior lighting-ceremony drive-by (how do these words make sense now?).

Found a new favorite park to people-watch and people-judge in.

Pre-ordered local pastries a week in advance.

Ordered someone a Little Debbie birthday gift box (not you, Debby, but Happy Birthday!).

Wore a sweatshirt and leftover NYE 2020 glasses for class zoom call.

Never-ending storrrrry

Things I Did during Week 4 of Quarantimes

Made a video for my students dressed as Carole Baskin.

Used cans of beans, water jugs, and husband’s shoes as workout weights.

Did curbside takeout for local sausage cheddar biscuits, fried shrimp, and lemon cake.

Did curbside grocery store pickup in the suburbs and failed to receive bread, pesto, TP, and juice.

Went to crappy urban grocery store and got plenty of everything.

Had multiple zoom meals with people.

Played multiple zoom trivia games with people.

Had multiple porch drop-ins with people.

Googled “when will this be over”.

Things I Thought at the Kroger Today

This is all a hoax.

I am going to die.

How many break and bake cookie packages is too many?

How many break and bake cookie packages is not enough?

Is that person about to cough on me?

I really really need to cough right now.

I am sweating through my shirt: is it the corona or the panic?

Why is there an entire family in aisle 4?

Why are there only plain bagels available?

Why are people hoarding gallon-size Ziplocs?

Are four boxes of precooked bacon enough protein for the week?

How many nights can I pull off 7-can soup for dinner?

There is a fully-badged police officer where my hugging-obsessed bag boy Cliffy usually stands.

Has anyone touched any of this food already?

What do I do if I picked up this apple and don’t want it?

Why is it so hot in here?

I’m buying the name brand QTips on the end so I don’t have to go down the aisle with that family of NINE children to save a dollar on generic.

Why is the entire cast of Tiger King shopping in here this morning?

Ooh, My Little Pretty One

Things I Have Done Since March Ended: Week 3 During El Corona

1. Let my kids each socially distance near a friend. Porch talks, street talks, etc.

2. Bought fabric masks (one pink, one neutrals plaid).

3. Got yelled at by college son for not having enough “real meat” in the house. Everyone is going through their own personal detox.

4. Googled the difference between allergies and covid-19, nineteen times.

5. Sang happy bday to 5 people.

6. Discovered a second takeout place that has homemade potato chips.

7. Scheduled a grocery store pickup, 4 days from now.

8. More crying, less panic-breathing.

9. Made homemade granola.

10. Sent my mom a pie. 

Too legit to quit

Things I Have Done During The ‘Rona: Week 2

1. Fixed broken nail clippers.
2. Learned to use a chainsaw.
3. Decided did not like using a chainsaw and got the hubs to cut the overgrown shrubbery instead.
4. Finished watching “Tiger King”.
5. Wondered if I was related to anyone on “Tiger King”.
6. Posted a video of myself for my students.
7. Wrote a letter.
8. Ordered stamps online so I wouldn’t have to go to the post office.
9. Did 3 curbside pickups from local places (Inskip Grill cheeseburgers, Kaizen eggplant buns, Rala gifts = essentials).
10. Did 2 curbside pickups from Target (deodorant, shampoo, dark chocolate pretzels, sidewalk chalk = essentials).
11. Did an online exercise class.
12. Found an offline back muscle.
13. Sent a plant to my mom.
14. Baked a 1997 Pampered Chef Broccoli-Ham Ring.